


To See The Light

by RetroLizard



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-01 23:15:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RetroLizard/pseuds/RetroLizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Literally minutes ago, he was a person in one of the happiest times of his life; engaged to the man he loved, finally getting used to life in a new country, with no real worries or major problems hanging over his head. It only took seven words to utterly ruin that."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Noiz knew what to expect when he arrived home, because the greeting was almost exactly the same every day. He saw Aoba's head peer around from in the kitchen, wearing an almost-surprised 'now who could that be?' sort of look, even though there was only one person in the world it could possibly be. He then lit up in a big smile, saying "Welcome home." As usual his fiancé would bound over and kiss him hello. As Noiz took off his jacket and shoes, he looked at Aoba and thought he looked like a person on top of the world, even though he wasn't doing anything special or out of the ordinary. He quietly exuded brightness and joy.

THAT was why Noiz had been standing out in the hallway with his hand hovering near the doorknob for a good ten minutes. He did _not_ want to be the one to crush that smile.

"Is my timing good or what? Dinner's almost ready," Aoba said, returning to the kitchen. Noiz followed him, loosened his tie and flopped down in a chair at the table.

"Smells delicious," Noiz said quietly. He tried not to sound too glum. It didn't work very well. Aoba gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Bad day?"

"Sorta," he mumbled. Aoba was bending over in front of the oven, peering in at its contents.

"Oh by the way," Aoba suddenly remembered. "How did your doctor's appointment go? Did he finally give you something for your headaches?"

And there it was.

Noiz was quiet. He wasn't always the most talkative person on the planet, to put it lightly, but even he couldn't stay quiet indefinitely and have it go unnoticed. He was silent for so long that Aoba turned back to look over his shoulder. "Noiz?"

"Sit down, Aoba."

He seemed a little stunned, hesitating before he did as Noiz asked and took a seat at the chair next to him. His brows knitted together, perplexed, as he studied Noiz's face carefully, like he was trying to read something. "What?"

_Oh God, Aoba, don't look at me like that_. He hadn't even said anything yet and it already hurt to look at him. Noiz's fingers drummed lightly on the table. He bit his lip, looked anywhere but at Aoba's face. Again, he stayed quiet for far too long. Every second that passed was adding gravity to the feeling Aoba surely had that something was wrong.

"...What is it, Noiz?"

Noiz gave a heavy sigh. Drag it out or get it overwith quickly, neither option was going to make it any easier, so he took the "ripping off a band-aid" approach.

"There's a tumor in my brain." He just said it, his tone no different then if he were saying something perfectly mundane. He forced himself to look at Aoba and gauge his reaction. Other than his eyes being wider than usual, he was utterly blank. Very slowly, confusion seemed to sink in. He looked at Noiz the way he might if he were speaking German too fast for him to keep up.

"Y-you..." he finally started to speak, but his sentence never fully formed. He sat there agape for a while. When it became evident he didn't know what to say, Noiz decided to continue.

"There's still tests that need to be done," he explained. "I'm scheduled next week for--"

"Wait, wait." Aoba cut him off. "That can't be right. They must've made a mistake."

Noiz sighed. "That's what I thought at first too. But it's not."

"No, that doesn't make sense," Aoba said, shaking his head. "That just doesn't...I mean, you're...it was just a few _headaches_ , for crying out loud."

"It's not a mistake," Noiz repeated. Aoba looked more confused than ever. He really couldn't process it. He may as well have been trying to divide 13,651 by 89. He sat there an uncomfortably long time, looking lost. The silence was suddenly broken by a high-pitched beeping. The oven timer. "I'll get it," Noiz mumbled, getting to his feet.

"So...so what's that mean?" Aoba asked quietly.

Noiz tried to think of an answer as he set the food on the counter and switched the oven off. "Well, it could mean a lot of things," he said. "I don't know right now if it's malignant or--"

"What if it is?!" Aoba interrupted him again, twisting around in his chair to face him. Despite his volume, his voice wavered. "It could kill you, right?"

Noiz leaned back against the counter. It wasn't really a simple yes or no. Even if it was, it didn't necessarily mean it would kill him. On the other hand, it easily could. But he knew what Aoba was really asking, and the possibility was very much there. Noiz sighed. "Yeah, it could."

Aoba's lips tightened together and an instant later, he bolted to his feet. He clawed at his own hair in frustration, looking like he wanted to find someone or something to punch. "Aoba..." Noiz started to approach him, but Aoba had turned and kicked the trash can violently and stormed out of the room. It made a huge mess, which Noiz paid no mind to and followed Aoba.

"It's perfect, it's just PERFECT!" Aoba shouted as he paced around the living room. He continued ranting, saying things like " _Flawless_ timing!" (as if there were ever a good time for a thing like this) or "Stupid fucking doctor" (as if it were somehow the doctor's fault for making the diagnosis). None of it made any sense, but Noiz couldn't blame him for feeling all of it. He desperately wanted to take his anger out on someone, but of course he could be angry at no one in particular. Neither Aoba or Noiz could blame anyone, except maybe God, and whether or not they were believers, that wouldn't make it any easier.

"Aoba." He put his hands on his fiancé's shoulders. "It's gonna be okay, just calm down."

"You're gonna go to another doctor," Aoba said. "You just need a second opinion, that's all."

"No, it's not--"

"They make mistakes all the time, right?"

"It isn't like th--"

"Who knows if this asshole has any clue what he's talking about?!"

"AOBA." He hoped his tone hadn't been too harsh, but he had to get Aoba to stop somehow. He shoved Aoba down so he was sitting on the couch and kneeled down in front of him. "I'm telling you it isn't like that." Aoba glared back at him, seething. "It isn't like that. So..." His voice grew weaker and trailed off. He didn't know what else to say. For a second Aoba looked like he might try to argue again, but the fire in him was extinguished, burnt down to a few weak embers. Noiz could see his rage slowly but surely twist into despair. Aoba clenched his eyes shut tightly, held his breath, shaking as he tried with all his might to hold it in.

Noiz went to Aoba instinctively, sitting beside him and gently pulling him into his arms. Still, Aoba was stubborn, trying to stifle it down. His face pressed into Noiz's shoulder, he squeezed him in return, his hands digging into Noiz's back probably much too roughly. He felt Noiz's touch, polar opposite of his own, stroking at his back gently. The dam had cracked. Tears formed in his eyes, soaking a small patch of Noiz's shirt.

"Aoba, it's okay," Noiz said quietly. "Everything's gonna be fine."

A sob escaped Aoba's throat. Then another, and another. He shook his head, not being able to actually say the words "No, it's not."

Noiz struggled to come up with things to say to calm him down. It could be harmless, he reminded him, and it could be fixed with surgery, and better to catch it now than later, right? None of those things seemed to matter very much. The chance, and it was a big chance, that Noiz could actually die was too harsh for Aoba. Literally minutes ago, he was a person in one of the happiest times of his life; engaged to the man he loved, finally getting used to life in a new country, with no real worries or major problems hanging over his head. It only took seven words to utterly ruin that. For a long time, Noiz kept trying, but Aoba was inconsolable.

He'd seen Aoba cry plenty of times, but to see him in full breakdown mode was a different story. In the end, Noiz didn't actually care that much about himself. He'd spent a good deal of his life truly believing that it didn't matter whether he lived or died, and though that wasn't the case anymore, the idea of dying didn't scare him all that much. But he did care about what happened to Aoba. For him to be hurt was unacceptable. Seeing him this way was enough to make Noiz sick.

Pulling Aoba away from himself, he took his face in both hands and looked him straight in the eyes. He managed a pretty good poker face, even giving a little smile without it looking terribly forced. "If I say it's gonna be all right, it will be. You just gotta trust me. Hmm?"

Aoba couldn't help but imagine the worst case scenario, and wondered what he would do. Just forget about everything that's happened, forget the life he made here with Noiz? Go back to Midorijima and pick up where he left off? Even thinking about all that made him feel like he might throw up, so he forced himself to stop. He couldn't even wrap his head around the idea of what he might do without Noiz, not yet. He didn't think he'd ever have to consider it. So though he knew there was no logic behind it, there was only one option he could handle right now, and that was to do as Noiz said, and trust him.

\---

Any time the phone rang, Aoba grew tense. It usually turned out to just be someone from Noiz's work, and afterwards Aoba wasn't sure if he felt relieved, or if his anxiety was worse than before. This had been going on for days; he wasn't sure how much more he could take. This time, when he heard the ring, he tried not to be too obvious about it. He didn't lift his eyes from the magazine he was reading, though he focused all his attention on listening as Noiz answered.

It embarassed Aoba that his German was still so terrible after being here this long, but he'd catch the important words. He got enough to know it wasn't work this time. It was definitely the clinic. Impatiently he jumped up and went to Noiz's side. So much for not being obvious. He tried to lean in close with his ear to the reciever, but Noiz shoved him away. He waited in silence while Noiz listened, nodding and 'hmm'ing every once in a while and not saying much else. It was starting to feel like a very, very long conversation (though in reality it wasn't).

Finally, Noiz said something to the effect of 'I see', then 'thank you' and hung up. Aoba's eyes were glued to his face, but Noiz didn't look back at him. He set the phone on the table and let out a deep sigh.

"So...what'd they say?" Aoba made every effort to not look as much a nervous wreck as he was. He stared at Noiz in silence for a long time before the other man glanced back. Noiz was harder to read than usual, but he didn't look pleased. The silence was starting to hurt. There's no way this could mean good news.

Aoba, on the other hand, always had his heart on his sleeve, whether he liked it or not. Noiz saw the panic in his eyes increasing with every second. _God damn it. Don't look at me like that. That's not fair._

Aoba gulped. "Noiz..."

He didn't get much warning. For just a flash, he saw Noiz's eyes scrunch shut and his jaw set tightly. The next instant, _crunch_. A sickening sound as Noiz turned and threw a full-force punch into the wall.

"Noiz!!" Aoba grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. He held Noiz's right hand in his own. His knuckles were a bloody mess. "Ugh, look what you did!" He dragged him into the bathroom, shoved his hand under the faucet and ran cold water over it. Searching through the cabinet for bandages, he resisted the urge to scold Noiz like he normally would. It had been a long time since he saw that old temper flare up.

No...definitely not good news.

"...I'm sorry." It was whispered so quietly, Aoba almost missed it.

"You don't need to apologize..." He looked at his fiancé, and saw he was crying. It was startling, since he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen Noiz this way. For a moment he reminded Aoba of a little boy in a man's body.

It surprised even Aoba how calm he was as he pulled Noiz into a hug. Or at least, how calm he appeared. He stroked Noiz's hair gently to comfort him. "Shhh. It's okay."

 


	2. Chapter 2

Aoba had been living with Noiz for more than two years, yet he still hadn't entirely gotten used to this lifestyle. And events like this, though it wasn't the first time, felt a little foreign to the man of humble background. It was a party thrown by one of the higher-ups at Noiz's company, held at a very fancy estate, with a very fancy atmosphere, and very fancily-dressed attendees. At least Aoba looked the part; he was in a suit that Noiz paid to have custom-tailored, and his hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail. It was a flattering look for him.

Though he looked like he belonged, he didn't quite feel it. Noiz had gotten pretty good at reading the subtleties of his body language, and sidled up beside him, tapping his right shoulder (though Noiz stood to his left). Aoba fell for the trick as per usual, and gave Noiz a slight scowl. "You look a little tense," Noiz remarked.

"Nah, I'm really not," Aoba said with a wave of his hand.

"You've met most of my co-workers before, right?" Noiz placed a hand gently on the small of Aoba's back as he spoke. "They're nice enough people, right?"

"Y-yeah, of course they are..."

"And, if it helps, general consensus is everyone likes you." Noiz smiled. "I think they even like me a little better ever since I introduced you."

Aoba became visibly even more tense, if anything, probably due to the way Noiz was touching his back. It was innocent enough, but he had to be wary of Noiz's tendency towards public displays of affection. "Really now?" he replied with a small laugh.

"Sure. Why wouldn't they?" Aoba got a warm feeling in his chest from Noiz's smile. That face could make just about anywhere feel like home. Noiz glanced away, struck by an idea. He took a sip from the glass in his hand before setting it on a table. "Say," he said to Aoba, "Feel like dancing?"

"Hm?" _Oh, no_. Noiz was eyeing the dance floor, and Aoba knew _that_ look...once his boyfriend got an idea in his head, he was sure to run with it. "But I really don't know how to dance," Aoba said.

"Sure you do! I taught you."

"Yeah, like _once_ , and that was weeks ago! I hardly remember any--"

"Come on, don't be a drag." Noiz took him by the hand and lead him forcefully. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could make a complete ass of myself," Aoba mumbled.

Noiz laughed. "I'm just as likely to do that as you, so we're even." He faced Aoba and pulled him close, taking his hand in his own and setting the other on his waist. Aoba flushed red and his eyes darted about the room.

"Umm, Noiz..."

Noiz rolled his eyes. "Relax. It's not like it's some big secret that I'm dating a guy."

"Still," Aoba said under his breath. "...Say, how much have you had to drink?"

"Not that much."

Noiz was already starting to move. Aoba looked to his feet, feeling incredibly awkward as he tried to figure out where they needed to go. "I seriously don't remember half of what you taught me."

"Just follow my lead."

"Easier said than do--NE!!" Noiz matched the tempo of the very upbeat song that was playing, pulling Aoba along and nearly making him trip. Aoba felt his entire body burn with embarrassment.

"Don't look at your feet," Noiz said, quickly pushing up Aoba's chin. "You don't have to. You can just feel which way I'm going, see?" Aoba gulped, looking at Noiz while wishing dearly that he was better at this, and attempted to keep up. Noiz smiled down at him. "There you go."

It was getting slightly easier, but still took his constant concentration to not either step on Noiz's feet or get stepped on himself. Just when he thought he had it down, Noiz pulled up on his arm, spinning him around dramatically, and somehow, miraculously pulling it off, even if Aoba accidentally let out a tiny yelp when it happened.

"See? You're really quite graceful." Noiz was downright beaming. Well, the important thing was he was having fun, Aoba thought.

"Uhh...people are looking at us..." Aoba said in a hushed tone.

The other man tilted his head. "So?" An exasperated sigh. He should've known that wouldn't matter at all to Noiz. "Don't think about them," he continued quietly. "Just pretend there's no one here but you and me." In spite of himself, a butterfly or two might have twitched in Aoba's stomach when Noiz said that.

Aoba was immensely grateful when the song came to an end and he could catch his breath. He started to walk off the dance floor, but Noiz held him fast. "One more." Well...it sounded like a slow song, so it couldn't be too bad.

In fact, it was all but effortless this time. Noiz guided him gently and Aoba matched his movements with ease. He'd gradually pulled him in closer, until their bodies touched. Though his heart pounded away in his chest, Aoba shoved down his self-consciousness, reminding himself that they probably weren't being stared at, and even if they were...as Noiz said, don't think about it.

Looking at the taller man, he thought that he did occasionally have his moments; it surprised Aoba at first when he found out what a traditional guy he was, and he could be pretty romantic when he wanted to. Though he might've been a slob at home, and still had a slightly bad attitude, and a pretty crass sense of humor...when they were out, he was always a perfect gentleman. And it wasn't that he wasn't being himself, it was just another side of himself. Aoba occasionally wondered, what good karma did I put out there to deserve this guy who practically treats me like royalty?

Noiz smirked. "Whatcha starin' at?" He asked.

"...I'm not staring." Aoba quickly looked away. He heard Noiz chuckle under his breath, and a hand on the back of his head gently pushed until his forehead was pressed into Noiz's shoulder. At least now he had a place to hide the color of his cheeks.

They danced that way for a while, losing themselves in a slow, relaxing melody. That was when Aoba heard a low sound from Noiz's throat; he was humming along with the music. He glanced up at him. "Hm? You like this song?"

"I do," Noiz said, and continued to hum quietly. It wasn't a song Aoba could recall ever hearing before as he listened to the lyrics. That's when Noiz started to sing; very, very softly, so that only Aoba could hear.

" _I never cared much for moonlit skies, I never wink back at fireflies..._ "

Aoba wasn't really sure how he felt about Noiz's singing. He realized most people probably wouldn't think much of his voice, but you love someone enough, and long enough, and you start to see everything about them through very biased lenses. He thought Noiz's voice was lovely.

" _...but now that the stars are in your eyes, I'm beginning to see the light._ "

Aoba laughed a little into Noiz's shoulder.

"...Hmm?"

"Oh, nothing. I just like your voice."

Noiz grinned. "Is that right?" Bringing his tone down a little lower, he kept singing.

" _I never made love by lantern shine, I never saw rainbows in my wine..._ "

It didn't help at all that his mouth was close enough to Aoba's ear to tickle it, and Aoba could feel him smiling. It was making Aoba burn up with embarrassment, and that was, naturally, deliberate.

" _...but now that your lips are burning mine, I'm beginning to see the light_."

"...Noiz."

"Yes?"

Aoba flashed a big smile at him. "If you don't quit embarrassing me, you're gonna be sorry."

"Whatcha gonna do?" Noiz cocked an eyebrow. "Gonna punish me when we get home?"

Aoba laughed before he leaned in to plant a kiss on Noiz's lips. "You'll see."

\---

As fun as public displays of affection were, Aoba was relieved to have some privacy at last. Noiz had absconded with him to the garden, which was more sprawling and impressive than even the estate itself. He and Noiz wandered into the large hedge maze, which made for a perfect hiding spot. It was so cold tonight, not many people would be found outside.

They'd found the center of the maze, which held a clearing overflowing with flowers that would have probably looked much prettier in the daylight. Noiz brushed some leaves off of an old stone bench at the edge of the clearing, then patted the spot beside him for Aoba to sit.

Noiz's arm had found its way around his shoulders. It made the cold a little less noticeable. Aoba sighed, leaning into him as he looked at the stars. It was unusually clear tonight, and there seemed to be three times as many stars as usual. The sounds of the party far behind them could be heard, but barely. It was almost silent, save for the occasional chirp of a solitary cricket.

"Man, you got that song stuck in my head," Aoba said after a while. He hummed lightly, trying to remember how it went. "Mmm mm hmm... _never saw rainbows in my wine_...I wonder what that even means," he thought aloud. "I've never seen rainbows in wine. Maybe it's a metaphor for something."

"I'm not sure either," Noiz mumbled. He was being awfully quiet...which wasn't out of character for Noiz, but compared to how much fun he looked like he was having earlier, it worried Aoba, just a tiny bit. He took a deep breath and squeezed his boyfriend's knee, saying no more and instead enjoying this peaceful bit of silence they'd managed to find.

"Hey, Aoba."

"Mm?"

"Remember a while back, we were talking about the future and stuff?"

The conversation had happened over a month ago, but Aoba knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, I do."

"You remember what I said?"

Aoba looked at Noiz curiously. "You said a lot of things."

Noiz stared back at him, surprisingly serious. "About you, though."

Aoba gulped, feeling his face heat up. Where was all this coming from so suddenly? "Ah, well...I think you said...you can't imagine your future...without me in it," Aoba said, the words having to be forced out bit by bit.

"It's true." Noiz was still staring at him during a tense silence. "So...what about you?"

Aoba's heart skipped a beat. "Huh?"

"When you imagine your future...am I in it?"

He was going to have a heart attack any second now, for sure. When did this atmosphere suddenly get so serious? Aoba had to gulp and take a deep breath just to form a reply.

"Of course you are." It seemed so obvious to Aoba, he wasn't sure why Noiz even needed to ask. _Maybe even he has insecurities_ , he thought. "I can't even...I mean...how could you not be?"

Finally, Noiz broke out a smile. "I guess I just wanted to make sure," he said. He looked away, glancing toward the sky, and after a moment he laughed. "S-say, Aoba, you're gonna think I'm lying when I say this."

Aoba blinked at him, confused. Lying? About what?

"But," Noiz continued, "I didn't actually plan to do this tonight." Aoba opened his mouth, then closed it again without saying anything. For once he was rendered speechless. Do _what_ tonight?!

"I've been keeping this in my pocket lately, so I could wait until it felt right." Noiz had reached into his pocket and pulled something out. Whatever it was was tiny; it was clasped in his fingers so Aoba couldn't see what it was. Noiz looked over at him and chuckled. He must've found the look on Aoba's face entertaining.

Noiz stood up, and for a split second, Aoba wondered where he was going. Not for long, though, because the next second he was kneeling down in front of Aoba.

...On one knee.

_Oh my God, he's actually doing this. He's really doing it._

The pounding in Aoba's chest before was like the footfalls of a little rabbit compared to this.

"I don't know why I'm so lucky, Aoba," Noiz said. "That I met you, and that all the right pieces just kinda fell into place, and to have someone like you actually love me, too." He took a deep breath. "I don't know if I deserve any of it, but you're here, and...and you make me happier than anything."

He was stumbling over his words a bit. Though he composed himself well, he was nervous.

"And I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you deserve to be. If you'll let me."

Aoba felt Noiz grab his hand and slip something cold and metallic into it. Aoba held it up to look at it; a silver ring. He turned it over in his fingers, trying to let the moonlight catch it and give him a better view. There was a design etched into it all the way around. Simple, but beautiful.

Of course, he knew what it meant. But as if there might've been any doubt, Noiz put the question in words. "Will you marry me?" Aoba stared at him, still speechless.

_Oh fuck, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't...damn it._

His vision became hazy. He thought it was the most obvious thing in the world, so obvious it didn't need saying, but he knew Noiz wanted to hear it out loud. It took all his fortitude to find his voice again, but he found it, and said: "Yes."

Noiz's eyes lit up. "Really?"

It was so silly, Aoba laughed out loud. He couldn't help himself. "Of course, really!" He threw his arms around Noiz, none too gracefully, toppling to his knees in the process. He was getting dirt on his oh so expensive suit, and he was pretty sure he bruised himself by being such a klutz, but he didn't care. Not one bit. He kissed Noiz passionately, and got twice as much intensity in return, with Noiz putting both hands on his head to pull him in.

Noiz ravished him hungrily, and only when Aoba was desperate for air did he finally break away. The other man looked overjoyed. Noiz beamed at him, wiping away the wetness from Aoba's eyes. Aoba beamed right back. "Did you honestly think there's any way I'd say no?"

\-----

Aoba turned the ring over in his hands, over and over again, staring at it all the while. The design etched into the side looked simple at first, but up close it was actually quite intricate. More unique still was the color of the metal, which had a slightly blue tint to it in certain light. _Of course, Noiz would always pick out something blue for me_ , Aoba thought. It was a gorgeous ring.

He lifted his eyes from his ring to Noiz's sleeping face. The sight of him in a hospital bed with all manner of tubes and such sticking out from him brought back old memories. It hurt a little to look at, but, Aoba reminded himself, there was a lot to be thankful for. The surgery went well, and Noiz is still alive. It's a huge miracle on its own.

Aoba was beyond exhausted. He'd been waiting all throughout the procedure, waited until it was okay for him to see Noiz, and now he'd been sitting at his side for hours. He desperately needed sleep, but he refused to rest. He wanted to see Noiz the instant he woke up. His eyelids got more and more heavy by the second, trying to shut themselves no matter how he mentally screamed at them to stop.

_Just a little more. He might wake up soon. I need to be here when he does. Just a bit more..._

By now, he was tired to the point of delirium, and his mind was wandering and digging up things from the past. He'd been reminiscing on the night Noiz proposed to him. The way he danced, the sound of him singing. How he got all nervous when he was getting ready to ask, and the beautiful promises he made. How his eyes lit up when Aoba said yes. A feeling like a dagger sank through Aoba's gut. That shouldn't be a feeling associated with such happy memories, but their current situation shed a slightly different light on them.

_...I might lose him._

Yes, that was possible. It was such a palpable sense of relief, that Noiz was still here, but there were no guarantees, not even after a successful surgery, that he'd live for long. And there was the possibility of brain damage or side effects. Realizing he'd shut his eyes again, Aoba snapped them open. He felt like he was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. No one should have to endure being this tired, this hungry, and this mentally strained for THIS long.

It wouldn't do any good to dwell on what-ifs. He's alive right now, Aoba told himself, heaving a weary sigh. The worst part's over. Everything's gonna be fine. Despite his best efforts, he'd fallen into a shallow sleep, and was dreaming of Noiz. Listening to Noiz's voice. Then he groaned... _why is he making that sound? Is he hurt?_ He groaned again. _What's wrong?_

That was really his voice. He didn't dream it. Aoba awoke with a start. When he looked at Noiz, his heart did backflips. His eyes were open; he was awake. " _Noiz!!_ " Aoba bolted upright, his sleepiness forgotten. He took Noiz's hand in his own. "You're awake...thank god, you're finally awake..."

Noiz blinked at him a few times, seeming confused. Naturally he would be. With a groan, he sat up. "N-no, don't! Don't push yourself, Noiz."

He shook his head slowly and croaked out in response. "'m fine."

"S-so...how do you feel?" Aoba laughed a little to himself after he asked it. "What a dumb question, of course you don't feel well...but you're finally up. I've been right here the whole time. Th-that doesn't really matter, but..." Aoba was so excited, all his thoughts were pouring out against his control. "But the important thing is, the surgery went really well, Noiz. Isn't that great?"

While Aoba was speaking, Noiz had been looking around at his surroundings, seeming lost. He'd eventually turned to look at Aoba, staring at him blankly. There was something very odd about the way he was staring. He must be horribly disoriented, Aoba thought.

"Noiz...are you okay?" Aoba asked, gently squeezing Noiz's hand. Noiz looked down at the hand Aoba was touching, then looked back to his face, where he was silent. Aoba's eyebrows furrowed. "...Noiz?"

Finally, his fiancé spoke. "I'm sorry...who are you?"


	3. Chapter 3

"It's...it's me." Aoba didn't know how else to answer. He didn't understand why he was even being asked the question.

"Riiight," Noiz said, eyeing Aoba like a creature from another planet. "And, you are?"

Aoba opened his mouth to speak and shut it again. Maybe he was actually still asleep, and this was just a bad dream. He shook his head as if to wake himself up. "I'm Aoba. Noiz, it's _me_." He slowly reached a hand towards Noiz's face. _The poor thing_ , he thought. _He's been through so much, he's confused, he just needs a second to come back to himself..._

The hand that tried to stroke Noiz's cheek was smacked away. Noiz shot a glare at Aoba, then started to look around the room again, and down at his own body. "Why am I here?"

"You just had surgery."

Noiz's eyes widened at him. "Surgery...?" A light seemed to blink on in his head. "Did something happen in Rhyme?"

"Rhyme?! Noiz," Aoba said with laughter in his voice, though there was absolutely nothing funny about what was happening, "You haven't played Rhyme in years."

"What are you talking about? I just played yesterday."

Aoba shook his head slowly in disbelief at what he was hearing. "No, no...you're not on Midorijima anymore," he explained quietly. "You're not in Japan. We're in Germany."

"Quit fucking with me," Noiz snapped.

"I could say the same to you!" Aoba's voice cracked, weak from exhaustion, but even so he immediately felt bad for yelling. _Noiz is confused_ , he thought, taking in a shaky breath. _Very, very confused. He must have jumped to some random memory from a few years ago and he just isn't completely awake yet. That must be it._ On the table next to him, Aoba saw a remote control, and was struck with an idea. "Here, I can prove it," he said. He grabbed the remote and turned the television on. It was the news, and the anchors were speaking rapidly in German. Noiz stared at the screen for a moment. "See?" Aoba said. "Why would they have German TV in Japan?"

"What the fuck," Noiz said under his breath as Aoba clicked the TV off. "When...when did I get back here?"

"A few years ago."

Noiz's mouth hung slightly open. "No way..." He looked at Aoba accusingly again. "And I still have no idea who the hell _you_ are."

"Noiz, snap out of it! It's me!!" Aoba's heart was sinking fast. When was Noiz going to come to his senses already? "I'm your..."

Noiz became impatient when he hesitated. "My what?"

Aoba's eyes trailed off to the side and his voice shrank. "...your fiancé." When he dared look back to Noiz, he saw the corner of his mouth turned in an expression he could only interpret as mild disgust.

"Fiancé?!"

Aoba looked at his hands; the ring wasn't on his finger where it usually was. He looked about for it frantically. He spotted a little silver gleam on the floor; he must have dropped it when he dozed off. Standing to pick it up, blew away specks of dirt and held it out towards Noiz. "Look," he said. "This...you gave me this, remember?" Noiz took it from him and inspected it closely. "You said you had it specially made for me."

After a few seconds, Noiz shook his head and handed it back to him. "Never seen it." Aoba had to sit down again; he felt dizzy.

"I...I need..." Aoba began weakly. He felt like he was talking to that same weird, anti-social kid he met back in Midorijima all that time ago. How could a person wake up and just lose entire years of their life like this? How could this be happening? "I need to talk to the doctor," he finally said. Aoba got to his feet and went for the door, the fatigue of his body weighing on him with every step. "Just stay put. Don't try to move or anything, okay?"

With his very limited German, Aoba wasn't able to get all he wanted to know. He tried to ask about Noiz's memory loss and whether it was temporary, and how long it would take for him to be back to normal. The responses he got were vague and difficult to understand, but the message seemed to be that there was no way to know for sure. Aoba's heart was sinking further and further as he nodded along, pretending to understand, hoping with everything he had that this wouldn't last.

When he went back to see Noiz, he was staring curiously at his own hands. He touched his arms, wrung his fingers, and seemed almost perplexed by his own limbs. It took Aoba a few good long seconds to realize why. Noiz pinched his skin and flinched, hissing in pain. Aoba contemplated explaining how his sensation came back, but where would he even begin? Before he could come up with anything to say, Noiz noticed him standing in the doorway. "What are you staring at?"

\---

Aoba half expected to see Noiz's jaw drop when they finally came home and he looked around at the apartment. He hadn't remembered his car, after all, or what street they lived on, or anything that had happened since his return to Germany. (The entire way, he'd also stubbornly refused Aoba's help with walking, unsure on his feet as he still was). However, as he took in his surroundings he was less surprised than Aoba expected him to be. "I really live here, huh?"

Strangely, Aoba felt some relief that he'd asked the question as a mere affirmation and not with an accusatory tone. He seemed to be slowly accepting that everything Aoba told him wasn't actually lies. Aoba nodded and 'mhmm'ed.

"Welcome home, Aoba." Ren scurried across the floor to greet Aoba in the entryway. He picked up the ball of fluff and rubbed it against his face.

"Good to be back, Ren," he said. At that Noiz turned around to look at them.

"You're looking well, Noiz," Ren remarked as Noiz came closer, studying him.

"Is this your allmate?" He asked Aoba. Ren tilted his head, confused, and looked up to Aoba for an explanation.

"Ah, yeah," Aoba said slowly. "He is. Oh, and your bunny cubes are over there, if you're wondering." He pointed Noiz in their direction. "We don't use them as often here as we did on Midorijima, though."

As Noiz went to check on his own allmates, Aoba spoke under his breath to Ren. "Sorry, he doesn't remember you...he's forgotten about everything that happened in the last few years," he explained. "...Including me."

"...I see," Ren said after a moment, his ears and tail drooping. Aoba patted him and set him down on the floor.

"Woah. What happened there?" Aoba looked up to see what Noiz meant, and saw him pointing at the hole he'd punched in the wall. They never did get around to fixing it.

"You happened," Aoba said simply, and he couldn't help but laugh. It was still far from funny, but it was absurd, and maybe he was starting to crack a little. Noiz gave him a puzzled look, but before he could ask anything else, the phone rang. Not the least bit interested, Noiz walked off to look at something else, leaving Aoba to answer it.

He kept his eyes on Noiz as he picked it up; he felt like he was watching a little kid and needed to make sure he stayed out of trouble. "Seragaki. ...Oh, ja! Hallo!" He said. "Ja, er ist hier. Einen moment." He ran over and held it out towards Noiz. "Here, it's your dad. He probably wants to see how the surgery went."

Noiz's eyebrows furrowed tightly. "My dad?" he repeated.

"Yes, here, take it!" Aoba said impatiently.

"Tell him to shove it up his ass."

"What?! Why the hell would...?!" Aoba could do little more than stand there gaping, wondering what would possess Noiz to say such a thing. "Verzeihung," he stammered into the phone. "Er wird sie später zurückrufen." He hung it up and sighed heavily. "You patched things up with your family a long time ago," he explained. "You're on perfectly good speaking terms with both your parents now."

"That so?" Noiz mumbled. "Well, I still don't feel like talking to him." Noiz settled into the chair at his desk, picking up one of his bunny cubes, ignoring the mess of paper and random objects that had accumulated on its surface. They'd both been letting things like tidying up slip their minds in recent weeks. Noiz didn't seem to regard such belongings as being his in the first place; Aoba realized his allmates were probably one of the only things here he truly recognized.

"So," Aoba began softly. "You believe me now? About...everything." Noiz looked him up and down, thinking.

"I can't really see why you'd lie about all this," he eventually said. "It would be a pretty elaborate thing to pull off, and I'm not sure why anyone would bother." He gave a light tug at his earlobe. "This wouldn't heal overnight, either." He then looked down at the back of his hand, possibly at the fleshy part between his thumb and forefinger where two piercings once were. He hadn't brought up anything about the loss of his numbness yet, either, and Aoba still wasn't sure how he could possibly explain. There were too many parts of that story that one who hadn't actually lived it would never believe.

"I know it must be a lot to take in," Aoba said after a long silence. "If I could do anything to make it easier, trust me, I would."

Noiz shook his head. "Honestly, all I really want right now is to sleep," he said.

"Oh...uh, come this way," Aoba stammered, gesturing for Noiz to follow. "Your room's over here." He lead him to their bedroom, where Noiz stood in the doorway for a moment as he looked around.

"So...I'm guessing this is our..." Noiz began, but trailed off halfway as he glanced at Aoba. It took a second for it to click as to what he meant.

"Yeah," Aoba said. "I mean, we are engaged, so..."

Noiz huffed through his nose slightly, looking at the king-size bed. "I think I'll just sleep on the couch," he said, turning to leave. "No offense or anything, just kinda weird to share a bed with someone I don't know."

"...Right," Aoba mumbled. "Of course." With that Noiz left him alone. He closed the door behind himself quietly and, exhausted beyond belief in body and mind, flopped down on the bed. Too tired to even change out of his clothes.

"Aoba." The door hadn't closed all the way, and Ren nudged it open with his nose. Aoba smiled at him weakly, patting the bed for him to jump up. He could tell when Aoba was in no mood to talk, and settled for quietly curling up in the blankets near him. Aoba sighed against the cold sheets, staring at the empty space Noiz's body would normally fill. He didn't usually notice how big their bed was. Suddenly it felt gigantic.

Aoba buried his face in his hands, wishing he could fall asleep fast. The sooner he could fall asleep the sooner this day would be in his past, maybe as a bad memory and nothing more. Maybe when he woke up in the morning, Noiz would remember everything. He'd be himself again and they'd both laugh at how crazy this whole episode had been, and be so relieved it was all over. Maybe tomorrow Noiz would crawl into bed beside him, and he'd hold him like he always did. Maybe.

\---

Days and weeks ticked by. The apartment was quiet at first, uncomfortably quiet for Aoba, since Noiz didn't do a lot besides sleep. He'd wake up, eat half the contents of the fridge, and quickly pass out again. Eventually he started to be conscious more often, but, as Aoba expected, couldn't do much of anything on his own. He wouldn't take his meds unless Aoba reminded (more like forced) him to. It didn't occur to him, without Aoba's mentioning, that he might need to do things like change his clothes or shower. All of which were extra difficult things to help a person with when they absolutely _hated_ to be touched.

He never asked about how his sense of touch had returned, but it was obvious that he was thrown off by it. Even a bump of his elbow into a wall or table, and he'd shout and curse angrily, reacting much more then he did before the procedure. Then there was those moments where he forgot which language he was supposed to speak, and switched back and forth between German and Japanese so quickly Aoba couldn't keep up.

All this, and he still didn't remember anything about Aoba. It was hell.

He didn't have time to feel sorry for himself; taking care of Noiz was priority one, and it would be for some time. It was hard to say how long it would be before Noiz could take care of himself again, and heaven only knew when he'd be fit to go back to work. It was a lucky thing that with his family connections, he didn't have to worry about his employment going anywhere. But eventually, he would be - more or less - himself again. Supposedly. And as for what happened after that...Aoba didn't like to think about it.

For now, just focus on taking care of Noiz. That's all. Praying in vain that his memories might suddenly come back and they'd be a happy loving couple again had to go on the back burner, like so many things. Such useless thoughts had to be pushed down, until they resurfaced at night, as Aoba tried to sleep and it really hit him how lonely he was.

But it did get easier. Noiz's recovery was slow but sure, and these days he kept to himself, usually playing video games and hardly speaking to Aoba. When he did, though, he was...nicer. Marginally, anyway. Maybe he'd gotten so used to having Aoba around that he was no longer annoyed by his presence. Aoba laughed at himself as he thought that, realizing how hard he must be trying to see the positive in things. "But on the bright side, he's not as much of a rude, stubborn little brat as he was before!" isn't exactly glowing praise.

He'd take any silver lining he could find, at this point. He came up behind Noiz, who sat on the sofa, currently heavily focused on his game, watching him play for a moment. He might not have noticed Aoba was there, but more likely did and just didn't show it. Speaking of silver linings, the wound on his head was healing up well. Aoba felt a little relief, remembering what a bloody mess it had been under the bandages the first time he saw it. "Your head is looking a lot better," Aoba remarked quietly. Noiz just 'hmm'ed.

Aoba gently stroked at the short blonde hair, and immediately Noiz flinched away, turning to look back at him. Aoba withdrew his hand; he hadn't even noticed what he was doing, and under Noiz's questioning gaze he felt embarrassed. "S-sorry," he said, trying to laugh it off. "Old habits, you know." Noiz huffed and turned away from him again. He was obviously irritated and seemed to be silently saying 'leave me alone'. Aoba decided to oblige him.

 _That's a step up_ , Aoba thought as he walked away. _He didn't slap my hand this time._

\---

Noiz did something Aoba truly didn't expect one afternoon. He found his quiet roommate at his desk, going through the many stacks of papers and odds and ends that had gone untouched for ages.

"What are you doing?" Aoba asked after a moment.

"Got tired of looking at this shit," Noiz said, not lifting his eyes from his work. "So I'm cleaning it up." He threw something into a small trash bin on the floor, opening a drawer and sifting through to find more documents to deem unimportant. Aoba opened his mouth but quickly stopped himself from saying what he wanted to say; Noiz was probably throwing away things he actually _did_ need, because how would he really know the difference, but there wasn't much use trying to intervene.

Besides, Noiz was doing something productive for the first time in as long as Aoba could remember. He felt a little swell of pride for Noiz and how far he'd come in his recovery. Why get in the way of that?

"That's good," Aoba said instead, smiling. He decided to leave him to it, for now. "Let me know if you need any help, then."

"Hey, there's something of yours here," he said, making Aoba stop in his tracks.

"Mine? Really?" He looked at the envelope in Noiz's hands curiously.

"It's got your name on it," Noiz said, holding it out towards him disinterestedly. Aoba took it and furrowed his brow. It did have his name on it, written neatly on the side, in kanji.

...In Noiz's handwriting.

This was...peculiar, to say the least. What could it be? How long had it been there? Obviously Noiz had no recollection of it, and he hadn't even registered that he himself had written Aoba's name on it. Aoba gave it some consideration, then looked back at Noiz, still engrossed in his work. It felt almost like an invasion of privacy, but...whatever it was, it had to be addressed to him for a reason, and its author clearly didn't care about it at the moment.

With that, he carefully tore it open, pulled out what was inside and read it.

\------------------------------------

Noiz heaved a frustrated sigh, tapping his pencil rapidly against his desk as he cursed himself for not practicing Japanese more. Speaking it came naturally, but he never did refine his skills in writing it (never had to). The characters scrawled on the page in front of him looked horribly slanted and messy to his eyes, though he tried his damnedest to get every one perfect. He couldn't just type this, though. If anything ever called for a personal touch, this was it.

He read over his first sentence, decided it was trash, and crumpled the sheet and threw it out, just like the half dozen drafts before it. To hell with it. It only needed to be legible, the message was what mattered.

And the message was no fucking walk in the park. As he pulled out a fresh piece of paper, he breathed deeply, closing his eyes. There was silence; he'd waited until Aoba went out so he could do this in peace and without distraction. He spent a long time staring at the pure white space waiting to be filled. Filled with the contents of his head and heart, with things he wanted to say aloud but couldn't.

He couldn't bring himself to talk about these things face to face, much as he would prefer that. Aoba became too emotional when he tried to talk about things like this, and Noiz was a wimp; he couldn't stand to make Aoba cry. Especially not when it may, in the end, be completely unnecessary. Fucking god willing, none of this would ever need to be read. But it did need to be written, just in case.

Suddenly Noiz's hand began moving on its own. Don't overthink it. Just let it flow.

 _"I'm sorry,"_ the letter began, _"for all the promises I made to you that I'm going to have to break."_

It wasn't just empty talk when Noiz swore to spend his life making Aoba happy. He wouldn't have let Aoba want for anything, wouldn't have hesitated to grant any desire that was in his power to attain.

_"I've gotten my will in order. In the event of my death, every last dollar I'm worth, everything I own, will go to you."_

The one small thing he could do for Aoba was make sure he remained financially secure. It was a no-brainer, leaving everything to him. He desperately wished it could have been more.

_"The money will be all yours, so what you do with it is up to you. I hope, though, that one thing you will do is use some of this to track down your parents."_

Let him find them, Noiz wished. Let them be a family again. There was a little stabbing feeling in his gut, thinking about 'family'...the kind he and Aoba might never get to have. He leaned his elbows on the desk, rubbing his temples. It was hard to not be angry, thinking about all he was being robbed of. And before they even made it to the wedding...it was like losing the race at your first step off the start line.

For a moment, he didn't know how he could do this. How could he even put it in words? There didn't seem to be any collection of sounds or characters in any language anywhere on Earth that could be strung together in just the right way to convey what he felt. He shook his head, at a loss. The business end was more or less covered. With that out of the way, he had to somehow, some way, make Aoba understand...how utterly loved he was.

Again, he decided to let the words flow without too much thought. The things that poured out didn't follow a cohesive pattern, but were more like a collection of snapshots awkwardly pasted together, memories and stories and even a few inside jokes, but ultimately, in the best way Noiz knew how to convey them, his feelings. He wasn't a writer. He couldn't create something beautiful, only something raw. It felt almost childish to him, in nature and penmanship, and it didn't really have a beginning, middle or end.

He went on for pages.

Eventually he stopped, leaned back in his chair, looked at the clock. How much longer did he have until Aoba walked through the door? This might be his last chance, because like a damn idiot he'd procrastinated too long. His surgery was tomorrow. There was a possibility he was going to lay down, fall asleep, and never wake up. And no matter what, prepared as he was to leave this world, he couldn't do it without leaving this for Aoba. He owed him this much.

But he couldn't ramble on any more than he had, somehow he needed to conclude it. He thought of something, almost began to write it, and stopped. He thought some more. He did this about ten times. At long last, he settled.

_"If there's an afterlife, I'm going to be there waiting for you as long as I have to, and I hope it'll be a good long wait. No matter where either of us goes, I'll love you. If I'm not here by your side like I want to be, I'll still love you._

_Please forgive me for leaving so soon. And please remember this. Even when I'm gone, I'll always, always love you. No matter what, Aoba. Always."_

Noiz leaned his head into his hands. He felt horribly drained. For long minutes he flipped through the pages, going over every word and wishing it could be better but hoping it would suffice. Finally he folded them neatly, put them in an envelope and wrote Aoba's name on the side. He took extra care getting it just perfect. Such a lovely name, one he might not get the chance to write again. He said it to himself, quietly, as he finished it. Such a _wonderful_ name...it felt so good in his mouth, so right at home. The silence was broken by footsteps, and a key entering the door. Frantically he opened a drawer on his desk and hid the letter inside.

Just before the front door opened, he took a deep breath. Put a smile on his face. Got ready to pretend he was fine and that all was well for his - maybe - last night with his fiancé.

\------------------------------------

Aoba's hands wouldn't stop shaking. He'd barely made it to the end, but he couldn't stop reading for a nanosecond.

It was unbelievable...all that time. The time after Noiz's diagnosis, leading up to his surgery...the whole time, Noiz seemed so calm, so confident. The exact opposite of constantly-nervous-and-stressed-out Aoba, he'd always smiled and told him not to worry. He acted like he never even considered death a possibility, and Aoba had bought it hook, line and sinker. It was all for his sake, to make things easier on him.

He knew. Noiz knew the whole time that he might not survive, and he'd been planning for it all along. He'd fully meant to leave this where Aoba could find it on his own, and probably planned to destroy it if everything had turned out fine and it wasn't needed. Still reeling, his heart pounding away in his chest, Aoba looked over at Noiz. He was still focused intently, his narrow green eyes pointed down, paying no mind to Aoba.

He looked back to the letter, shaking his head back and forth. His hands just wouldn't keep still, and the papers began to rustle faintly. His vision began to cloud, until the words in front of him all melted together in a blur. He tried to hold it back, really he did, but it was useless. He'd been holding back for weeks. If he felt like crying, he only did it late at night. And even so, he hardly ever did. Definitely never where Noiz could see.

This...this shadow of Noiz, of what he used to be.

"Uh...hey, you okay?"

Aoba gasped and looked up. Noiz was looking back at him, could plainly see the tears that began to streak Aoba's face. "I'm fine," he lied, his voice betraying him by cracking. He clamped his hand over his mouth, avoiding Noiz's gaze, feeling himself burn with humiliation at this display. He turned his back to Noiz and covered his face with the pages of the letter, trying to hold it so they wouldn't get wet, as he wept uncontrollably.

"Woah, you don't look okay." He immediately got up and went over to Aoba, taking him by surprise. He was sure doing that a lot today. On Aoba's shaking shoulder, he hesitantly placed a hand. He only had it there for a second, and took it back as if to reconsider, but eventually put it back there again. "What's wrong?" He asked sheepishly.

It was, by great leaps and bounds, the most compassion he'd shown Aoba since his memory loss. To call it unexpected would be an understatement; it didn't feel real. But real it was, and Aoba wiped his eyes and looked Noiz in the face wordlessly. He saw concern...but polite concern. The kind you'd have for a kid in the train station who looks lost, or a stranger that tripped on the sidewalk. Aoba could think of nothing to say. Once again, something he couldn't even begin to explain.

Because he was indeed a stranger. To this kid standing beside him, he was...almost nothing. A caretaker, for now. And what later? Just an annoyance who should go away? One thing was for sure, he didn't know Aoba, and he sure as hell didn't love him. He looked back at the letter and realized the man who wrote it was long gone.

And yet here his body stood, asking him, with sweet concern, what was wrong.

"I...I..." Of course, he couldn't answer, and he hung his head. Tears continued to spill, despite his best efforts. "I know you don't like to be touched, Noiz," he eventually managed, in little more than a whisper. "But do you think it would be okay if I hugged you?"

There was a long, awkward silence. "S- Sure. I guess," Noiz said, confused. Aoba put his arms around him, making sure not to squeeze too hard. Noiz still felt the same. He smelled the same. He felt so, so familiar. After a few moments standing rigidly with his arms at his sides, Noiz slowly reached up and gingerly patted Aoba's back. Then he let out a little laugh. "Damn. What was in that letter?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the conclusion. Will it be a sad ending? Will they somehow find a happy ending? Somewhere in between? That's for me to know and you to find out!


	4. Chapter 4

Aoba never did get fully used to sleeping in his and Noiz's bed alone. The night after he read the letter, he was finding it exponentially harder than usual to fall asleep, even though all he wanted was to be unconscious, to not even dream, just for his head to be empty and black for as long as possible. He thought he'd wake up and find he felt better in the morning. But no such luck, since it was the middle of the night and he was still restless.

He got up and went for the kitchen, he wasn't even sure what for. All he ended up doing was gulping down some water. He passed by where Noiz slept on his way back. From the back of the couch he couldn't make out Noiz's sleeping form, though he knew it was there in the dark. He wasn't sure why he stopped in his tracks and stared at the shadows in silence.

"Are you awake, Noiz?" he finally asked in a hushed voice. He waited a few seconds and no answer came. "Noiz," he repeated, louder, "Are you awake?" Still nothing. Aoba sighed lightly, leaning against the wall. He vaguely remembered reading something a long time ago that said no matter how deeply asleep someone is, if you talk to them, some small part of their brain will hear it. It probably wasn't true at all. Still, Aoba couldn't stop wondering if the "real" Noiz, as he thought of him, was still in there somewhere.

"Hey, Noiz," he whispered. "You promised you'd always love me no matter what, didn't you?" His thoughts strayed to that letter, all the wonderful things Noiz had put into it. Now it was hidden away in Aoba's room for safekeeping - he could neither stand to look at it, at least for now, nor to part with it.

"Is that still true?" Aoba continued. "Does it still count even if you don't remember me?" He waited silently, as if he thought he might get some answer. After a few seconds, he felt incredibly foolish and laughed at himself under his breath. What an idiot. Embarrassed, he quickly went back to his room, hoping Noiz really was asleep and he didn't catch any of that.

\---

Time passed, and nothing really changed. Noiz was still mostly keeping to himself, Aoba was still carrying on like usual and making sure to keep an eye on Noiz. Aoba found some comfort in having a predictable, daily pattern like they had. One evening, Aoba was getting out of a refreshing shower and drying his hair. He'd forgotten to bring in a change of clothes, though, and went for his room to retrieve some.

"HEY! What the hell!!" Aoba jumped when Noiz shouted, seeing the blonde in the hallway looking badly flustered.

"What?!"

"You're...why aren't you wearing anything?" Noiz was struggling to avert his gaze, and Aoba caught on.

"Oh..." He pulled the towel off of his head, wrapping it around his waist without hurrying. "I just showered, Noiz. Isn't that obvious?"

Noiz glanced in his direction before looking away again. "Well you...y-you shouldn't just walk around naked like that," he mumbled, moving past Aoba for the bathroom.

"You do know you've seen me naked before, right?" Aoba was a little bit surprised that it didn't bother him at all, yet it seemed to bother Noiz. Noiz didn't answer, shutting the door behind him harshly. Aoba laughed. He couldn't help it; he'd found Noiz's overreaction amusing.

Once he was dried off and dressed, Aoba glanced at the clock and realized he should get dinner started. Halfway to the kitchen, he thought to ask Noiz if he wanted to help. Lately he'd been helping Aoba out once in a while with things like chopping. Aoba hadn't liked the idea of him handling a knife at first, but was so glad to see Noiz wanting to try more things that he couldn't say no. There had only been a few minor cuts here and there (which weren't fun for Noiz), but now he was quite good at it.

"Noiz," he called, "I'm going to start cooking dinner, wanna give me a hand?" He waited a few seconds, and no answer came. He looked around for him and found Noiz distracted; well, more like staring off into space, lost in his own thoughts. That happened pretty often, and Aoba thought little of it. He could get so wrapped up in his own daydreams he didn't even seem to hear Aoba's voice. He was standing near the phone, looking at the wall. More specifically, the fist-sized hole in the wall that still hadn't been fixed.

Aoba sighed. "I keep forgetting about that...I'll call a repairman tomorrow," he promised himself aloud. This time, he swore, he wouldn't let it slip his mind! Noiz gave a light hum of acknowledgement, an automatic response. His fingers traced over the broken wood and plaster. Aoba raised an eyebrow at him curiously. Noiz's eyes were strangely focused, until his gaze broke away and he seemed to be looking up and slightly to his left. "...Noiz?"

"Woah," Noiz gasped and suddenly withdrew his hand, taking a step back. He looked over at Aoba, and his eyes had gone a bit wide. "I did that," he said.

"Yes, you did," Aoba said slowly, watching Noiz with concern. He hoped these weird actions didn't mean a setback in his recovery, after all the progress he'd made. "I already told you that, remember?"

"No," Noiz shook his head, insistent. "I remember doing it."

Aoba's heart skipped a beat. "Really?!"

"Yeah," Noiz said, looking back at it again. "Right after I got that call, about my test results." He rubbed at the back of his neck. "Damn, I was really mad."

Aoba couldn't contain his excitement and did something he knew he shouldn't do and grabbed Noiz by the shoulders. "Y-you remember?! You honestly remember it?!" It was a dumb question, he realized. Of course he honestly did, or he wouldn't have known _why_ he did it, as Aoba never did tell him that. Noiz didn't flinch or push Aoba off of him this time, just nodding at him slowly. "That...that's incredible!" Aoba was breathless. He felt like he'd been waiting for something like this for forever. "You actually remembered something!!"

"It's weird," Noiz said quietly. Rather than excited, he looked deeply contemplative. "I've seen it plenty of times before, but it just kinda came to me all of a sudden."

"What else?" Aoba sputtered. "Do you remember anything else?!"

Noiz looked up again. "No," he said quietly. "Nothing else."

Aoba realized he was being a bit silly. Or maybe he wasn't? It was just a small thing, but it meant he _could_ remember. It was small, but it wasn't. It was huge. It was phenomenal. Aoba let go of Noiz, stepping back a little. He didn't want to overwhelm him, and peppering him with more questions might be the opposite of helpful right now. "Even so, that's great news," Aoba said. "Your memories are still in there somewhere."

"Sometimes I see or hear things that feel really familiar," Noiz admitted. "But I can't really tell if it's just because I've been living here a while, or maybe I was recalling something from a long time ago." He looked like he was trying his hardest to remember, and then gave a groan and held his head. "I'm still fuzzy on the whole timeline, it's confusing..."

"Well don't push yourself," Aoba said. "Just give it time, and it'll come to you." Noiz gave a nod of agreement. Aoba took a deep breath, his heart still racing with excitement. "If you remember anything else, anything at all, make sure you tell me right away, okay? Even if you think it's nothing important."

"I will."

Aoba smiled and started to walk away before he remembered why he came looking for Noiz in the first place. "Oh, right...want to help me with dinner?"

Noiz made a face, like he was being asked to do chores, but he nodded. "Sure."

\---

That had been the greatest feeling Aoba experienced in as long as he could remember. It didn't take long for the high to wear off, as Aoba realized not much was coming from it. Noiz hadn't had any other memories come back to him since. Aoba couldn't forget that feeling, that sign that maybe Noiz could gain back more memories, maybe _all_ of them, with enough time. And be himself again. Be Aoba's beloved fiance again. He tried not to let go of that tiny, meager shred of hope.

The bright side, though, if Aoba chose to see it, was that Noiz was making great strides in his recovery. It was a slow, grueling process, but Aoba had been endlessly patient, watching as he became just a little more self-sufficient every day. He was proud of Noiz. He was starting to think that, maybe, before too long, Noiz would even go back to work again.

That meant something else, though, something Aoba didn't want to face.

Today was the day, he told himself. No more excuses. He'd been putting it off and putting it off and he just couldn't justify it to himself anymore. He'd promised that today would be the day, and _this_ time, he meant it. There was a conversation he needed to have with Noiz that he still wasn't ready to have.

He told Noiz that they needed to talk, and they sat on the living room sofa. Noiz just stared at him expectantly, and Aoba took a breath, trying to fill that strange, hollow sensation in his gut and his chest and his limbs. "So," he began, "You're doing really well, I've noticed. Recovering, I mean."

"Mm."

"And I've been...er, it's got me thinking about things," he stumbled awkwardly. "Like about you going back to work, and...and what we're going to do once you're fully recovered." Aoba waited as if he wanted Noiz to respond, but it became clear he had nothing to say. "What I mean is...well..." Aoba's voice grew small, looking at his own hands. "Pretty soon you're going to be perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, and you won't need me around."

Noiz blinked at him. He didn't seem to be expecting that. "...Huh."

"I mean strictly speaking, it is _your_ apartment, I just moved in," Aoba explained. "Which for a couple that's dating or engaged, makes sense. But obviously..." he trailed off.

"I was kinda wondering," Noiz interjected. "Are we still engaged, or what? I don't know how that works."

"Uhh...I'm not sure either," Aoba said. "Around the time you got your diagnosis, we sort of put the wedding on hold. And at this point, I guess it's pretty safe to say it's called off entirely." It wasn't quite a question and it wasn't quite a declarative statement. Noiz gave a "hm", neither an affirmative nor a negative.

"Given that you still don't remember anything about me," Aoba continued quietly. Noiz didn't quite meet his gaze. Aoba inhaled sharply. This was the part he didn't like to admit even in his own head, let alone out loud. "So, once you're all better, there's no point in me staying here, and I should probably go back to Japan. I figured it should be your decision," he added, barely above a whisper now. "Since, as I said, this is your home."

The silence was long and intensely uncomfortable.

Aoba watched Noiz, who still wasn't looking at him. He was deep in thought. Aoba waited patiently, even though he felt like he could collapse under the weight of his own nerves.

"Can I ask you something?" Noiz finally ended the silence.

"Yes?"

"This has been really hard for you, hasn't it?" Aoba didn't expect that, and stared back at him blankly. "All this," Noiz said, gesturing with his hand like he couldn't quite put a name on it, "Taking care of me, this whole thing?"

That wasn't something he cared to tell Noiz directly. He didn't want to make him feel like a burden. But he had been asked, so he should answer honestly, he thought. "Yes, it has," he admitted softly. "Very hard. N-not because you're difficult or anything like that," he specified. "Just because...almost losing you, then losing your memories...yes, it's hard." Noiz was leaning his chin on his hand, staring intently at nothing. He was a little more self-aware than Aoba had given him credit for, he supposed. "But it hasn't been easy for you, either," Aoba said. "If anything, this is hardest on you. I can only imagine how confusing it's all been."

"Yes," Noiz agreed, looking up abruptly. "Really, really confusing. It's pretty fucked up, in fact. I just wake up one day, and what, three years have gone by overnight? And those years are just gone, and I can't get 'em back?" Noiz rambled half to himself. He didn't sound angry, but he did sound like he was venting things he'd been holding back for a long time. "And oh, here's your _family_ talking to you again, and here's this _job_ you apparently have, and this place you live in now, and this..." He stopped himself, looking at Aoba and biting his tongue. He exhaled, leaning back in his seat and thinking again. "You ever borrow someone else's shoes?"

Aoba hesitated. Was he actually supposed to answer that question?

"And they really don't fit, and they're all old and worn out from someone else wearing them, and you can just tell they're not yours?" Noiz continued. Aoba presumed Noiz must have tried on a pair of Aoba's shoes at some point and found the tight sensation around his feet very strange indeed. "That's what my life is right now," Noiz said. "I know it's mine, but it doesn't fit."

Aoba was speechless. He'd thought plenty about what Noiz must be feeling, but actually hearing it from the man himself was a little heartbreaking.

"And on top of that," Noiz said, his pitch rising, "I find out there's a fucking chunk of my brain gone?! Just cut out and thrown in the trash?! And I'm not _numb_ anymore," he looked at his hands, "I can finally, finally feel, but my body didn't fucking do what I told it to do and I was fucking _useless_ , I couldn't keep track of the goddamn time of day or put a fucking shirt on straight?!" Aoba found himself flinching a little as Noiz's frustration came out through his voice. Noiz looked to him, his expression softening. "And yet there you were, being patient with me no matter how slow and useless and stupid I was."

"Don't say that, Noiz," Aoba said gently. "After what you went through, that's just normal."

"But you were still there for me, doing everything I couldn't do, and I didn't even know who you were." Noiz sighed, a sadness in his eyes as he looked at Aoba. "I can't ever thank you enough for what you've done."

In spite of himself, Aoba felt his lip quiver slightly, and set his chin hard to hold it back. He only nodded.

"Seriously...thank you." Noiz's voice cracked a little. Aoba realized this was the most he had spoken at once in weeks. "But I am starting to feel kinda normal...almost. And this place...it doesn't feel so weird anymore. Sometimes it even feels kinda familiar. And you..." he paused. "You feel familiar too. Like, I've known you for a few months now, but sometimes I just get the feeling like I've known you way longer. Years."

Aoba's heart nearly stopped, and he looked at Noiz expectantly.

"I mean duh, I guess I have, actually," he said. "But it's not anything specific I can remember, just this feeling like I really _know_ you. You're the only thing that feels like home now."

Aoba realized his mouth was hanging slightly open. His heart was racing a mile a minute. "You really mean that?"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't. And, I'm really, really sorry," Noiz said, shaking his head, "Because I know this is completely selfish, but what I'm really trying to say, I guess, is..."

"...yeah?"

"I don't want you to leave," he spat out at last. "If I'm being honest, I don't want you to. Because then this wouldn't feel like home anymore."

In absolute disbelief at what he was hearing, Aoba stared at Noiz. He'd played with how this conversation might go in his head a few times, even though he'd tried not to think about it too much, and in no conceivable scenario did Noiz ever say a thing like that. Aoba sighed and shook his head, raking a hand through his hair. "I'm an idiot," he whispered.

"Huh?"

"Of course I'll stay here. I'll stay as long as you want me to."

Noiz's eyes went wide. "Really? Even though I'm being so selfish?"

"It's not selfish at all." Aoba said. "I have to be honest...lately, I've been thinking about you like you're a different person. I've been telling myself the Noiz I met and fell in love with was gone and never coming back, and you're just someone else who happens to inhabit the same body." It felt pretty dumb once he said it out loud, and Noiz's raised eyebrow said as much.

"Huh."

"But that was wrong of me. You're not a different person, you're still you." Aoba said this resolutely, looking Noiz right in the eye. "I still love you. That won't ever change, whether you remember me or not." Aoba gave him a gentle smile. "So if you want me to stay here, that's what I'll do." Noiz looked away, a little bashful, and Aoba secretly found it cute.

"Seriously...thanks," Noiz mumbled.

Aoba beamed. "Don't mention it."

\---

Aoba sighed heavily, stepping out of the shower and toweling off his hair. He was deep in his own thoughts until Noiz's voice snapped him out of them. "Damn it, you're doing it again!"

He realized belatedly what Noiz meant. He'd walked around naked again without thinking. "Oh, right," he said, attempting to cover himself up. "Sorry..." Noiz had hesitated in averting his gaze, his cheeks quickly darkening a shade.

"Even though I already asked you not to," Noiz mumbled, trying to shuffle past Aoba without looking at him.

"Hey." Aoba grabbed him by the wrist to stop him. "Can I ask you...why does it bother you so much?"

Noiz scowled at him. "Shouldn't it?"

"Not really. We're both guys, aren't we?" Aoba pressed. "I didn't think you were the type to care about something like that." His voice trailed off a little as he spoke. Noiz was indeed acting strange, even for him. Back when they first met, Noiz didn't get hung up on things like modesty. He feared his assumption might be right, and he stared Noiz down, the other man still not facing in his direction.

"Yeah, we are, but it's..." Noiz grumbled, huffed and generally looked like a trouble-making kid that had finally been caught red-handed. "You shouldn't tempt me by walking around like that, alright?"

"Tempt you?!" Aoba's jaw nearly hit the floor. That confirmed his hunch, then. "Are you attracted to me?" Noiz glared daggers at him instead of saying anything, making Aoba feel like he'd burst into flames then and there if looks could kill. "B-because, you know...it's okay if you are."

Noiz tilted his head. "What do you mean?" Aoba burst out laughing, making Noiz angry again. "What is so damn funny?!"

"Do you have any idea how many times we've had sex, Noiz?" Aoba said, having to wipe a tear away from laughing so hard. "When we first started dating, you couldn't keep it in your pants for five whole minutes!"

Noiz yanked himself out of Aoba's grip, muttering "Shut up."

"It's true," Aoba said. "You really think I'm gonna mind if you're turned on by me?"

Noiz sighed. "Well, what if I am? What am I supposed to do about it?"

Aoba opened his mouth to answer, but quickly shut it again. Letting out a hum, it was his turn to go pink in the face as he realized what he wanted to say. Noiz was waiting for him to finish his thought, and he felt cornered. Was there really any point in backtracking now? "I'm just saying, you...you're allowed, you know?"

"Allowed? To what?"

"You can..." Aoba searched Noiz's face, who seemed suddenly very interested what he had to say. He'd gotten used to the idea of Noiz as being kind of oblivious, but for once he considered Noiz might know exactly what was on Aoba's mind. Pathetically, Aoba finished his sentence with a weak mumble. "You know."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Noiz asked.

Aoba scratched at the back of his neck, letting out a deep breath. "I told you, nothing's changed, didn't I? You're still... _you_ , so I'm not gonna say no if you wanna." The silence that followed felt exponentially longer than it really was, Aoba suddenly painfully aware of himself and the fact that he was standing in front of Noiz in nothing but a towel as he made this offer. Without warning Noiz grabbed him by the wrist and pulled, steering him towards the bedroom.

Wordlessly he shoved Aoba onto the bed, wasting no time yanking the towel off and climbing on top of him. It was then he stopped, didn't move as he raked his eyes over Aoba's body. This had more than a slightly different feeling to it than five minutes ago, when Aoba thought nothing of Noiz seeing him naked. He felt more like a piece of raw meat in front of a hungry dog, now.

"Can I touch you?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," Aoba said shakily.

He touched Aoba's stomach first, making him twitch. The caress was unexpectedly soft, working its way up until his collarbone. Goosebumps breaking out over his skin, Aoba remembered that for Noiz, it was his first time being able to truly feel a person like this. His hands took their sweet time exploring him, not shy about where they wandered. Aoba closed his eyes, inhaling slowly. His thoughts strayed to their first time, in the hospital. How inexperienced they both were.

_God damn it, don't_ , he told himself silently. The nostalgia almost made him want to cry. Just for a quick second. He put his hand around Noiz's wrist. Glancing up, those green eyes met his. "Sorry, did I..."

"No," Aoba said. "It's just...you still have all your clothes on..." Noiz quickly sat up to peel off his shirt, throwing it on the floor and shedding the clothes from his lower half as well. The second he was fully undressed, Aoba grabbed him around the back and pulled him down, crashing their bodies together and making Noiz gasp. "See? Better skin to skin, isn't it?"

His face buried in the pillow and Aoba's hair, Noiz gave the tiniest of shuddering breaths, one Aoba wouldn't have been able to hear if his mouth weren't two inches from his ear. "Mmhmm." Aoba didn't do anything else for the moment, giving Noiz his time to enjoy the sensation. He tensed up, long seconds later, when Noiz kissed his neck.

Shivers ran through Aoba's spine. _Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck_. This might have been a terrible idea, a tiny voice in the back of his mind said. This was most definitely not a wise decision. But _oh god_ , there was no way he could stop. Noiz's lips and teeth were all over him now, making him whine. This was so familiar. It was a little different, but really, deep down, this felt like exactly what he'd come to know well, and hadn't felt in too long. Way, way too long.

When Noiz momentarily raised his head, Aoba grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Needy and deep and a little messy, his tongue delved into Noiz's mouth and was met with the same ferocity. Aoba was already painfully aroused, and they'd barely gotten started.

\---

In their mutual post-orgasmic daze, neither said a word for a long time. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, just a bit sleepy. Aoba lay with his chin rested on his hand and stared out the window, bits of sunlight still filtering through the shades. He glanced sideways at Noiz, sprawled out comfortably in the tangled mess of sheets beside him. It had been long enough now that he felt like he ought to say... _some_ thing. "How was it?"

Turning his head slowly to look at him, the blonde cracked a smile. "What do you think?"

Aoba smiled back, before turning again to staring at the window. Well, it was pretty obvious Noiz enjoyed himself. He'd been a little awkward; that was okay. It was only to be expected. Aoba being the seasoned one this time had gently guided him when he hesitated. Every time he stopped to ask if it was okay to do this or that, Aoba reassured him that yes, all of it was okay.

Even though it was over, and had been for minutes now, Aoba's heart wasn't back to its normal speed. He'd just done something unthinkable, and he was thrilled and terrified and confused and deeply satisfied and couldn't get over any of it.

It was almost like Noiz read his thoughts. "I dunno what's next," he sighed.

Surprised to hear that, Aoba slowly shook his head. "Me neither." He became lost in the mess that was his own thoughts for a while before he felt eyes on him. Noiz was staring at him, being perfectly blatant about it. Aoba's brows knitted. "What?"

"What would you do if you woke up one day and I was dead?"

Aoba gaped at him. "What?! Where the hell did that come from?!"

Unperturbed, Noiz sat up. "I was just wondering. You must have thought about it at some point."

Aoba thought back to an especially dark time he didn't care to revisit. "Yes, I did," he admitted quietly. "I didn't have much choice, did I?"

"Did you think about what you would do in that case?"

"A little," Aoba said, also sitting up. "I didn't really know. I always figured I'd move back to Midorijima and go back to the way things were." Noiz 'hmm'ed, and Aoba frowned. "Why'd you have to bring this up? I don't like thinking about such morbid things," he said.

"Sorry. I just wanted to know." Sensing his apology wasn't enough, he added, "But hey, that's in the past now, right? It's not like you have to worry about it anymore."

"Thank God," Aoba muttered.

"I don't want to worry about that either." Aoba looked puzzled. What did he mean by that? "That you're gonna leave."

His tone was a bit shy, but serious. He really must have believed it, on some level. "I told you I'm not leaving," Aoba reassured him, a bit of laughter in his voice. "I have no plans to go anywhere."

"Good," Noiz said. A little smile pulled up at the corner of his mouth. "Neither of us is going anywhere." That one smile made Aoba's stomach do backflips. He hadn't seen that one, that _particular_ one, in what felt like years. He didn't really understand what Noiz felt for him then. Attachment, obviously, but beyond that, who could say? He knew it couldn't begin to compare to what he felt for Noiz.

That moment, he made a decision. He could wait for Noiz to fall in love with him all over again, if that's what he had to do. For that, he'd wait as long as he needed to.

\---

"Oh, come on now, it can't be that bad."

"Yes it can," Noiz's muffled voice declared. "You don't even know, so don't say it can't."

Aoba tutted, picking up Noiz's work clothes from their careless landing places on the floor. Couldn't let those get wrinkled. Noiz practically ripped them off the moment he got in the door and had proceeded to flop down on the couch in just his undershirt and boxers, his face buried in one of the cushions. "You'll get used to it if you give it time," Aoba said. "You've gotta be more patient, it's only your first day back."

"But it's so confusing. And everyone there acts like they know me and it's fucking weird," Noiz argued.

"They're just so happy to finally have you back, that's all!"

Noiz gave a whiny, drawn-out groan. "It sucks."

"Cheer up, I made your favorite for dinner," Aoba said, returning to the kitchen to add the finishing touches once he'd folded Noiz's clothes.

"My favorite?" Noiz repeated curiously, lifting his head. "What's that?"

"Oh, right, you don't remember." Aoba looked pleased as Noiz sat upright, rubbing at exhausted-looking eyes. "Cabbage rolls."

"Cabbage rolls?"

"Seeing as you'd only had pizza and pasta when I first met you, I made it a personal mission to broaden your horizons to all the good food in this world," Aoba explained. Lately, Noiz seemed to enjoy hearing stories from the time he'd lost his memories of, and Aoba loved telling them. "I had you try a bunch of different things, and you decided this was your favorite."

"I see."

Aoba nodded, enthusiastic as he brought over a plate stacked high with the cabbage rolls and sat next to Noiz. "They're my own recipe, too! You loved them so much the first time you tried them, you were like," (Aoba made a face and voice that made for a poor impression of Noiz), "Wooooow, these are the best thing I've ever tasted!"

Noiz scoffed, more than a bit skeptical. "We'll just have to see, won't we?" Aoba waited with bated breath while Noiz tried a bite, taking his time chewing and swallowing.

"Well?"

Noiz looked up. "Wooooow, these are the best thing I've ever tasted!"

Aoba snorted. "Shut up! Big faker."

"No, no, they're really the best!" Noiz said, grinning from ear to ear. Well, there was at least a little sincerity buried somewhere under all that sarcasm. Aoba laughed, while Noiz continued eating eagerly.

After all this time, Aoba still found this side of Noiz to be cute. And even better, he got to see his first reaction to his favorite food not once, but twice. A content smile on his lips, Aoba mused that even with everything they'd lost, there were still silver linings to be found.

"Hmm." Aoba lost himself in something of a daydream.

Noiz stopped. "What?"

"I think I know what it means now," Aoba said quietly, still smiling at Noiz. "To see rainbows in your wine." Noiz's eyebrows furrowed, confused, before his gaze drifted off to one side. He looked up and to his left, staring into space for a few seconds, until suddenly, his eyes lit up. He looked at Aoba and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and for those that have been following from the beginning, thanks for awaiting so patiently. I hope the end was satisfying <3


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